Leah K., 36, had been trying to conceive a baby with her husband for months. But when the coronavirus pandemic hit the United States, she was scared: What if she contracted the virus? What would happen to her baby? At the time, information was sparse, and the couple decided to skip a month of trying to get pregnant. That month, they saw refrigerator trucks full of people who had died from COVID-19 roll down New York City streets on a daily basis, and Leah started to wonder if it was safe, or even wise, to bring a child into the world.
By the time Leah was ovulating the next month, quarantine had started taking its toll on the couple, she says. They bickered about everything, from cleaning responsibilities to life-impacting decisions. “And when you’re doing that, it’s hard to be like, ‘Oh, I’m ovulating, let’s make a baby today,’” she says.
Near the end of May, Leah and her husband broke up. Despite how difficult quarantine had been for the couple, she never thought her marriage would end in divorce. Looking back, she says she doesn’t think it was just the cabin fever of quarantine and social isolation that pushed them over the edge—“it’s that you’re suddenly in the four walls of your home and you have to face all your feelings,” she explains. With very little preparation, Leah found herself single in the midst of a global pandemic.
As coronavirus cases continue to climb and social distancing remains a necessity, loneliness has become an even bigger part of American life. SELF previously reported that many organizations, including the Health Resource and Services Administration, have indicated that Americans were dealing with a loneliness epidemic before the pandemic. And while anyone can be lonely—regardless of marital status or living situation—single people face unique difficulties. Many of them are grappling with timeline anxieties, a sense that this pandemic will delay developmental milestones like intimacy, long-term partnership, and parenthood.
“[Single people] really face challenges because we are wired for human connection and physical connection,” Rich Slatcher, Ph.D., a professor of psychology at the University of Georgia who studies how the coronavirus pandemic is impacting relationships, tells SELF. According to Slatcher, one of the difficulties single people might deal with is the likelihood that they will remain single for the rest of the pandemic—which, to be clear, doesn’t have a definitive end date.
Social distancing and quarantine make dating in-person difficult, and dating apps have introduced features like video chatting to help users connect during the pandemic. For Leah, however, staving off loneliness and moving forward with her life doesn’t involve swiping yet. She isn’t ready to date and wonders whether or not she will be past her fertility window when she gets back out there. “How do you still love your husband, and go through a breakup, and expect to come out on the other side?” she asks. To help manage her anxieties about not being able to start a family, Leah recently decided to freeze her eggs, “as less of an insurance policy and more of a hope for a chance.” (Though egg freezing is often framed as a guarantee, the American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists does not recommend it solely to extend your childbearing years—instead, they say, experts mainly recommend it for people receiving cancer treatment that might affect their fertility.)
For some people, biological timelines aren’t necessarily about having children. Jason R., 28, says he finds himself wondering how long he’ll have to abstain from sexual intimacy. Already, it’s been six months. As a single queer person in the pandemic, he’s had a few Zoom dates and a couple of in-person socially distanced park dates, but physical “intimacy has been nonexistent,” he tells SELF. Even as he wonders how long this is going to last, he thinks he may be more equipped to deal with abstinence than others are.
“As queer people, [many of us have] known what it’s like not to act on our needs,” Jason says. “Many of us had to wait to come out due to safety…so we’ve experienced some type of waiting in our lives.”
While sex might be off the table right now, Jason is glad to have the company of his two roommates. He spent most of his time inside their apartment until the Black Lives Matter protests began in May. When Jason went out to protest (with masks and hand sanitizer in tow), he felt a sense of community he was sorely missing throughout the pandemic. Even as Jason processes the loss of physical intimacy in his life, he feels lucky that his social relationships have grown stronger through the pandemic.
Slatcher says Jason’s experiences line up with his own research project on how people are relating to one another during the pandemic. “Most single people appear to really be focusing on friendships and family relationships right now,” Slatcher says, adding that maintaining close relationships when possible is a healthy coping mechanism.
Even people who appear to be making exciting life changes right now might still experience an element of grief and worry about their relationship futures. Kara S., a 23-year-old woman, was laid off from her job as an office manager for an interior design firm when the pandemic hit. Single, living alone, and unemployed during a pandemic, she started to think about what she really wants. Kara decided to move to a new city and find an apartment with a friend. Even as she settles into the new life she’s chosen, it’s hard not to watch the months fly by outside her window, and she faces the idea of staying single for even longer. “There’s a feeling of hopelessness—like I’m missing an opportunity. Would I have met somebody if we had been out?” she says. “I’m desperately trying not to fall into the spiral of it all.”
Wondering about the future, focusing on what you might’ve lost, and feeling the lingering sense that life is passing you by are natural reactions to the uncertainty swirling around. If you’re grappling with biological clock or timeline anxieties, there are a few coping mechanisms that you might explore:
1. Maintain your social relationships.
While longing for romantic partnership is natural, leveraging social connection and support from your loved ones can help ease some of the immediate stress and help you see solutions that you might not otherwise notice. In fact, SELF previously reported that when we feel lonely and isolated, we’re less likely to see things as they are. In a meta-analysis that examined 20 different clinical trials focused on fighting loneliness, researchers found that the ones that tackled false perceptions and negative thoughts worked best, the American Psychological Association (APA) says. Try to remember this if you find yourself isolating more than usual. Connecting with people can be easier said than done during a pandemic, but brainstorm outdoor places where you can hang out with someone safely (or how to connect in an authentic way digitally) and find new routines to keep in touch with people you love (like sending letters).
2. Remember that surviving is your primary goal right now.
As the death toll continues to climb and more people fall ill, surviving this pandemic is probably your most important priority. It’s natural to think about the future and lament the things you’ve lost, but don’t forget that you’re actively keeping yourself and others safe when you decide to forgo experiences and adventures you would normally have right now. This is something you can remind yourself of when you start thinking about the things you “should” be doing and experiencing.
3. Allow yourself to feel what you’re feeling.
Grief, sadness, and concern about the future are logical reactions to a global pandemic, so don’t push them (or anything else you’re feeling) away. Instead, take time to allow your emotions to arise. You can try journaling about your thoughts so that you’re allowing yourself to recognize and process them. There are lots of other ways to acknowledge and regulate your emotions, including simply asking yourself what your feelings might be trying to tell you.
4. Control what you can.
Many of the people above found ways to control the aspects of their lives that they could. Leah addressed some of her biological clock anxieties by freezing her eggs. Jason is focusing on other forms of intimacy by leaning on friends and community. And Kara orchestrated a relocation. Even though none of these things can change the limitations that the pandemic has introduced, there’s research to suggest that focusing on what you can control can positively impact your well-being. In fact, a 2020 study published in Psychiatry Research explored the results of two large-scale surveys conducted in China during the pandemic and found that respondents who perceived themselves as knowledgeable about the coronavirus had a higher sense of well-being. Why? It wasn’t because they all had accurate information. Their perception gave them a sense of control over their lives. So flexing your control muscles (in moderation) might be useful.
5. Lean into distraction.
Positive distractions are a solid coping strategy, Slatcher says. Take up new hobbies, reach out to friends you’ve lost touch with, and try your hand at anxiety-reducing activities like exercise, Slatcher suggests. “Physical activity has been a huge determinant of well-being in the pandemic,” he explains. Finding enjoyment and positive distractions can help you manage the stress you feel when thinking about the future.
The fact remains that life has changed for almost everyone on the planet, and the regular difficulties of life haven’t taken a break during this challenging time. Maybe you’re processing these new timelines while homeschooling children, caretaking for loved ones, or recovering from COVID-19. Whether you’re overwhelmed with many difficulties or loneliness and future anxieties are your primary stressor, your emotions are valid right now. If possible, consider reaching out to a therapist and explaining some of what you’re dealing with (there are affordable therapy options out there if cost is a concern). If that feels unrealistic at this point (or you’re already in therapy and need extra resources), there are grief support groups, online communities, and other resources that might help you feel a little less alone. Ultimately, try to remember that you don’t have to win during the pandemic—you just have to keep treading water. It’s okay if you need support to stay afloat.
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