Christine Anderson, 35, first started experiencing symptoms of bipolar disorder when she was in college during the early ’00s. She felt depressed, irritable, and experienced bouts of rage. In between depressive episodes, Christine occasionally felt highly motivated and energized—to the point of eventual exhaustion.
At the time, Christine believed she had depression. But in 2013, during a very severe depressive episode, she started attending an intensive outpatient program (IOP) at a local hospital, where a psychiatrist diagnosed her with bipolar disorder II.
As the National Institute of Mental Health (NIMH) explains, there are various forms of bipolar disorder. Bipolar disorder II causes dramatic mood changes from emotional highs during a hypomanic episode to lows during depressive episodes. (Hypomania is a less intense form of mania and can manifest with symptoms like overconfidence, a rush of energy, and racing thoughts. As Christine notes, it can feel good at the time but often preempts a depressive episode.)
Christine manages her condition with medications including antidepressants and mood stabilizers. She also attends regular therapy sessions, which are now remote because of COVID-19. During the pandemic, she’s experienced two hypomanic episodes and a depressive episode. Although the pandemic has made managing being bipolar harder in many ways, Christine says she’s also experienced some positives too. Here’s Christine’s story about how the pandemic has affected her life with bipolar disorder.
I started worrying about COVID-19 before most people in the U.S. In January 2020, some blogs I was following were recording what was happening in China and saying that it was going to have a big impact here. I started stocking up on toilet paper and frozen food and sounding the alarm with friends and family. No one really believed me. Honestly, I wondered if I was overreacting too. I’ve always slept pretty well, but I started having problems with insomnia around that time, which I think was related to being anxious about the virus.
When California went into lockdown in mid-March, I was strangely relieved. The thing I’d been dreading for two months was finally upon us, so I could just deal with the reality of it rather than the fearful anticipation.
As the months wore on with no end in sight, the pandemic had several major negative impacts on me. I was scared about what would happen if I contracted the virus. I was especially concerned about the long-term symptoms some patients have experienced. As a foodie with more than 100 cookbooks, I worried about losing my sense of taste and smell. I was also concerned that if I got COVID-19 and developed lung damage, then I wouldn’t be able to exercise, which helps me manage my bipolar. Then there’s the fact that I already have so many chronic health conditions. In addition to bipolar, I also have ulcerative colitis and irritable bowel syndrome (IBS). Frankly, I don’t need long-haul COVID-19 too!
As many people can probably relate to, the pandemic has cut off or limited access to many enjoyable activities. In my case, these comforts are important to managing my bipolar. For me, self-care is a part-time job that includes daily exercise, regular meals, sleeping 10 hours a day, seeing friends, and regular in-person therapy. The gyms closed, which limits how I can work out, and now I only see friends outside and socially distanced, or virtually. Interpersonal connection is so critical for maintaining a positive sense of self, and for getting out of our heads. For me, talking to people helps me stay grounded in reality. We’ve all had to shift from getting together with friends and family in person to staying in touch by Zoom or text, but it’s just not quite the same.
The same goes for therapy. Most of the time, when I’ve been feeling relatively stable, online therapy has been great, but the benefits aren’t always equal to in-person sessions. When I had an intense depressive episode in November and December, remote therapy actually made it worse. I was too depressed to even get on Zoom, so I was lying in bed, talking on my phone, and that made it much harder to read my therapist’s responses.
Looking back at my pre-pandemic in-person therapy, I now appreciate that there’s something about being in the room with someone—feeling their energy—that went a tremendous way toward making me feel more grounded. Also, when I’m depressed, the physical act of taking a shower, getting dressed, and driving to my appointment is part of the therapeutic process. At least I can show up for therapy and feel like I accomplished one thing. I don’t get that same boost when I’m just opening up my laptop.
Stress is a big trigger for many people with bipolar, including me, and the pandemic has also created some additional stressors besides health concerns. My husband, Cory, and I are taking the risk very seriously. We’re very careful about wearing masks, we minimize how much time we spend in stores, and our main social interactions have either been virtual or sitting outside at a distance. But we have friends and family who are skeptical about the virus, who are traveling across the country regularly, and who refuse to wear masks. We’ve had a lot of heated conversations with them. Normally I would avoid controversial topics with people I know disagree with me, but it’s hard when the virus is the top news story and the main topic of conversation with everyone you talk to. Navigating these relationships has been the worst source of stress. I’m trying to set boundaries and not judge other people’s decisions. I’m going to keep doing what I feel like I need to do to be socially responsible but want to work toward getting to a place of peace, where I’m not feeling judgmental or angry.
Even with all of this, there have been some positives to come out of the changes the pandemic caused. My husband and I have found new ways to exercise from home, with the help of my friend who’s been my personal trainer for the past eight years. We bought some home exercise equipment and she leads us through strength-training programs twice a week on FaceTime. It’s not the same as going to the gym with her, but I’ve been amazed at how she’s been able to modify the workout to suit what we can do at home.
Cory and I have also started running together two or three times a week in our neighborhood or at the beach near us. It really brings us together. Even though I miss my running group, I’ve found a new running buddy! I’ve also been getting outside at a community garden near our apartment complex. There’s space to meet friends from a safe distance, and it’s allowed me to stay connected to nature, which has been great for my mental health.
I’m also grateful that I’ve been able to step back and see that before the pandemic, I was really overcommitted. I had a lot of social events, medical appointments, and other things on my calendar. During the pandemic, my calendar has been pretty empty, and that’s been a refreshing break.
Having a totally clear schedule has also helped me make some changes that will hopefully help me manage my health better in the future. I’ve been wanting to switch some of my medications for a while, but have previously been hospitalized after experiencing severe mood episodes when I changed what I was taking. During COVID-19, I’ve been able to try this transition again without a lot of other commitments. If I have a bad day, I’m not under as much pressure as I would have been before. Also, my husband is working from home, and having him nearby has really helped me get through some rocky weeks.
I’m trying to advocate more for people with bipolar: I’m happy to connect through my Instagram to answer questions and offer support where I can. I have a number of friends who also have bipolar I or bipolar II, and it’s been a really hard year for all of us in different ways. Although some have felt relatively stable, others have had severe manic or depressive episodes. Even those of us who felt that we had our bipolar relatively well managed have struggled in ways that we haven’t experienced for years.
I want to tell people with bipolar that it’s okay to not feel okay right now, even if you thought you were doing well before. Living through a pandemic without access to your normal outlets and coping mechanisms is hard. We shouldn’t feel like failures if we’re struggling, even after years of stability. This is an unusually stressful time. Give yourself the grace to not be okay and ask for professional help if you need it.
This interview has been edited and condensed for clarity.
Related:
- 6 Ways to Manage Productivity When You Have Bipolar Disorder
- 10 Ways to Manage Anxiety When You Have Bipolar Disorder
- 6 Ways to Manage Bipolar Disorder Triggers During COVID-19