Actor, model, and activist AnnaLynne McCord shared in April that she had been diagnosed with dissociative identity disorder (DID), and she did so for a few very important reasons. For one, the 90210 standout hoped to counter the pervasive stigma that surrounds the disorder (sometimes called multiple personality disorder). But she also felt she had found a diagnosis that finally felt right, she tells SELF. Her DID diagnosis gave her “something tangible” to work with, something that could help her begin to really heal.
“There were many steps to getting me to the place where I actually got this diagnosis,” McCord explains. And when she first started experiencing symptoms, she wasn’t really aware of it. “There’s an awareness of what you’re doing, and then there’s an awareness of something being strange or different,” she says. “I didn’t have the latter until I was dealing with the severity of DID and it being prominent in my healing journey after treatment for post-traumatic stress disorder, and that was only two-and-a-half years ago.”
McCord describes her personality states as “splits” or “alters,” meaning that she took on different and distinct personalities at different times. “I wasn’t allowed to be a full person with any one set of people. I had to be varied portions of myself and there was no flow, there was no integration,” she says. For example, she would split when she felt pressure to live up to someone else’s expectations, like in different social settings, when performing in a role, or in a media interview. “I need to jump into the skin of a different person if I’m not approved of by you,” she explains, which felt like a life-or-death situation. “The fragmentation occurs because the stakes are so high.”
Dissociative disorders, including DID, often develop as a way to deal with overwhelming traumatic experiences, the American Psychiatric Association (APA) says. People with DID display two or more personality states that each come with their own behaviors and memories. Switching between those states is typically involuntary and can cause difficulty in relationships or work.
“We often label that as ‘I’m an adaptable person, I just go with the flow,’” McCord explains. “But what ‘going with the flow’ meant was that I was a different person in a setting where I didn’t feel accepted as the person I was the day before.”
Although she was only aware to some extent that the splits were taking place, they were noticeable to others, McCord says. And she didn’t realize the severity of what was happening until she developed intense panic attacks and other symptoms of PTSD following a six-month depression in 2017.
McCord recalls a particularly severe panic attack she experienced while reading a book by psychotherapist Benjamin Fry in which the author describes childhood sexual trauma. She felt her body “activating,” but “didn’t put two and two together.” She tried to calm herself with her breathing practice and a shower but ended up hyperventilating and collapsing. Immediately after that, McCord “crawled out of the shower” and began investigating PTSD treatment, including eye movement desensitization and reprocessing (EMDR) therapy.
“Within a week I had a consult, within two weeks I had an intake appointment, and within four weeks I remembered my whole life,” she says. “And it was not the life story that I knew.” While in treatment for PTSD, McCord began remembering parts of her childhood and her own sexual trauma that had been buried for years. (Memory lapses like these are a common symptom of DID, according to the National Alliance on Mental Illness.) And her splits started to make sense in a whole new way.
Along the way, McCord had been diagnosed with bipolar disorder, which she chalks up to her family history and her tendency to act in “extremes.” She had been taking mood stabilizers, but when her memories came flooding back and she was able to start working through them, McCord and her doctor made the decision to gradually take her off the medication in late 2019. “I ticked almost all the boxes of bipolar symptoms, but when I cleared my trauma, I didn’t have the symptoms anymore,” she says, adding that she’s grateful for Zoom appointments with her doctor and that the two of them were able to monitor her moods so closely.
DID is typically treated with some form of psychotherapy, the APA says, such as cognitive behavioral therapy or dialectical behavior therapy. Some people may also benefit from medications to help treat related symptoms or conditions (like depression, for instance), but there are no medications approved to directly treat DID.
To her surprise, McCord’s bipolar symptoms did not return once she stopped taking the medication—even amidst the stresses and isolation of the COVID-19 pandemic. “I should have gone into a full-blown episode; I should have gone to hell,” she says. “I went the opposite direction, which was a really good sign that I was healing whatever it was that was causing the symptoms that looked like bipolar.” Ultimately, the experience confirmed that something else was going on. A diagnosis certainly isn’t everything, of course. “But the DID diagnosis gave me something tangible to work with,” McCord says, “and for that, I am eternally grateful.”
Going down this journey herself has made her passionate about addressing the stigmatizing media portrayals of people with mental illnesses—and how those incorrect ideas permeate the rest of society. “If you’re going to speak with authority about something you don’t fully understand, you could be causing someone the stigmatized judgment that will stop them from getting the treatment they need,” she says. “Are you willing to take that on? Are you willing to be the reason that someone didn’t get help, that someone might hide or withdraw from the world because of a label that you put on them?”
Today, McCord sees her splits as a coping mechanism that allowed her to mentally survive intensely traumatic experiences. And she previously expressed gratitude for the alters that were tough enough to get her through, as unpleasant as they may have been to others. She’s committed to a daily practice of self-care, love, and concern, she says.
“It’s been an interesting journey to get to this place where I wake up every morning and I’m grateful to be alive, and I feel a sense of safety in my body and integration with my alters,” she says. Although she isn’t in regularly scheduled therapy these days, she still does as-needed appointments. McCord also meets with a mentor twice a week, practices meditation frequently, enjoys cupping and acupuncture, and is working toward getting her Reiki master certification in July.
“Now I have so much compassion for AnnaLynne,” she says. “I hold a lot of space for her, and I think of myself as the first person I needed to build a relationship with. I’m the first person who needed to be my friend.”
Related:
- AnnaLynne McCord Reveals She Was Diagnosed With Dissociative Identity Disorder
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- 13 Facts Everyone Should Know About Borderline Personality Disorder