Hi. I’m Carolyn. I’m the editor in chief of SELF and the host of our wellness advice podcast, Checking In. In this week’s episode, we’re talking about sex after baby. Specifically, what happens to your body, your mind, and your relationship after you have a baby—and what that can mean for your sex life.
Today we’re hearing from Traci, who had a baby about four months ago. She says she and her husband are having serious libido issues—and it’s stressing her out. “The last thing either one of us wants to do is hook up,” she says. “All we want to do is finish season six of The Americans and call it a night. Is this normal for it to go on for so long? Because I have a lot of friends who’ve had babies recently and they’re struggling with this, but they push through. I feel like I haven’t found the push-through mark yet. I just stuck in the struggle zone of it all.”
This is the last episode of Checking In season one—but we’ll be back soon! Listen to this week’s episode above, and get more episodes of Checking In on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google, or wherever you listen to podcasts.
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To help Traci out, I speak with two guests in this episode: writer Angela Garbes, the author of the incredible pregnancy and postpartum survival guide, Like a Mother; and Lexx-Brown James, L.M.F.T., a therapist and sex educator. James has a ton of tips for how Traci can talk to her partner and re-engage with sex when she’s ready. And Garbes shares details from her reporting, as well as her own postpartum experience, to help Traci feel less alone.
But on that note, before I even get to the advice and the philosophizing, I want to clarify to Traci—and to everyone who can relate to this question—that yes, seriously, this is extremely and totally normal. And should be normalized.
I mean, let’s just set the scene a little bit. Let’s talk about some of the reasons why someone might be struggling with libido issues four months postpartum.
First of all, childbirth can be physically traumatic. A lot of people experience some degree of vaginal tearing during birth. And if you had a C-section, you have to remember that recovery from that is like recovery from any kind of major surgery. You may be dealing with a wound and stitches for weeks after having a baby.
And then even if everything goes totally as planned, no stitches needed, and you’re able to walk out of that hospital room, your body is still different than it was before you were pregnant. It takes a long time for your uterus to shrink back down to its pre-baby size. Your pelvic floor muscles and ligaments are stretched out. You may have diastasis recti, where your abdominal muscles partially or fully separate, or potentially even pelvic floor issues that could use some attention. And then regardless of how you gave birth, you’ll likely be wearing jumbo pads (or even diapers of your own) for quite a while, because you’ll continue bleeding for weeks.
Then if you’re breastfeeding, that means your estrogen levels will be particularly low, which can interfere with sex drive, and inhibit your natural lubrication. Not to mention—breastfeeding can be extremely uncomfortable at first for some people. There’s nothing sexy about blistered nipples.
And then there’s the fact that you’re keeping a newborn baby alive, likely feeding it every three hours around the clock… for weeks, or months. Extreme sleep deprivation can be a libido killer, too.
Meanwhile, you’re undoubtedly experiencing a bit of an emotional rollercoaster, thanks to the hormones that come with pregnancy and childbirth and postpartum. And if you’re dealing with postpartum depression or anxiety, those can also—obviously—get in the way of wanting to be physically intimate with your partner.
And on top of it all, your body is new to you, and doesn’t feel or look the same as it did before you had a baby. You might feel uncomfortable in your skin, physically or emotionally. And if you have a partner, you’re simultaneously trying to navigate new frontiers in your relationship. Learning to become a parent is a very intense experience. There isn’t a manual for this!
All that is to say that if you had a baby four months ago and you’re ready and eager to have sex again with your partner, that’s amazing, and good for you, and get it on, by all means. But if you’re in a different headspace, or not quite ready, or even not quite sure what pleasure even feels like for you anymore, that’s also fine. Something that Garbes and I discuss in the podcast is how, after baby, you might have to reacquaint yourself with your own body. You might need to learn what pleasure feels like. And what you like now post-baby might be different than what you liked pre-baby. And it’s a process. And that’s okay.
We cover a ton of ground in this episode, which I personally found extremely fun and helpful to produce and narrate. I hope that our conversations help Traci feel better about herself, about her relationship with her husband, and about her future sex life. And I hope if you’re a new parent, or about to be, that it can be helpful and affirming to you, too.
Show Notes
Angela Garbes is a journalist and author of Like a Mother. Her writing has appeared in the New York Times, The Cut, New York, Bon Appetit, and has been featured on NPR’s Fresh Air. You can follow her on Instagram @AngelaGarbes, and subscribe to her newsletter.
Lexx Brown-James, L.M.F.T., is a licensed marriage and family therapist and certified sex educator. You can follow her on Instagram @lexxsexdoc and on Twitter @lexxsexdoc.
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