If you’ve clicked on this article, you might have experienced the following: You’re at brunch, even virtually, with one of your friends, minding your business and chatting about Netflix, when said friend drops a bomb. “I’ve, uh, been cheating,” they say. A rush of emotions and memories—couples dates, good relationship advice you’ve given, or how your friend has never judged you—flash through your mind. You can almost see your pancakes shriveling as you search for a good response.
We often think cheating is hush-hush, but plenty of people confide their infidelity in folks they trust. The reasons are numerous. If your friend cheated and told you about it, they might be sharing out of guilt, fear, worry, or even excitement. But what are you supposed to do with that information?
Step 1: Admit that you’re a little uncomfortable.
First of all, forgive yourself for not having the right words. We don’t have frameworks for these kinds of conversations, so they can feel awkward, Rosara Torrisi, Ph.D., a certified sex therapist, tells SELF. Cultural norms make infidelity seem like a shameful thing that only heartless people do, but that narrative doesn’t leave much room for compassion or empathy, does it?
If you sat in stunned silence when your friend revealed their secret, it’s possible that you were dealing with a flood of emotions. It could be that you’re sorting through those aforementioned norms. Or it could be that this revelation triggers memories of personal experiences with infidelity, or maybe you’ve never liked how your friend’s partner talks down to them, so you secretly want to make a toast. Whatever your initial reaction, it’s helpful to remember that the reasons people seek relationships outside of their primary one are nuanced—so there isn’t a universally correct response.
So try to take a second before reacting, Dr. Torrisi says. If your friend cheated on their partner and you’re not sure how to respond, you can pause and say, “Wow, okay, that’s huge news.” It’s also totally fine to admit that you feel uncomfortable by saying something like “Sorry if I’m acting awkward, I’m just surprised! Do you want to tell me more?” Naming the awkwardness (your friend probably feels it too) without being judgmental gives you a second to collect your thoughts before you say something you’ll regret. And if you’ve already yelled “WTF” in response, it’s fine to take a second and apologize for being judgy when you’re ready.
Step 2: Remind yourself that cheating is often complicated.
To be clear: Most people don’t cheat to hurt their partner or with complete disregard for their partner’s feelings, Dr. Torrisi explains, adding that, in many cases, people who cheat have unmet needs they’re trying to fill. (But sometimes people are cheating in a completely unrepentant way, which is a whole other situation we’ll dive into in a bit.) Those needs might be sexual, but that’s not always the case (actually, some cheating is entirely emotional). In fact, a 2017 study published in the Journal of Sex Research surveyed nearly 500 people who’d cheated and found that although about 43% of people said they cheated out of anger, 77% reported doing it because they felt a lack of love in their relationship, 70% said they cheated due to some type of neglect, and 57% attributed their cheating to low self-esteem.
Even more complicated, the reasons people cheat often don’t exist in isolation. Someone might cheat both because they feel neglected in their relationship and because they’re angry about it. So if your knee-jerk reaction is to judge, Dr. Torrisi urges you not to. Don’t imply that your friend’s cheating is gross or wrong or that they’re a horrible person. Remember that you might not have an entirely clear (or accurate) picture of what’s going on in their relationship or what led them to make this choice. Even if you do have a fair bit of intel, it’s still best to reserve judgment, at least until you hear more.
Step 3: Ask your friend questions to understand what they need.
Once you’ve had a second to regroup, tune into what your friend might need from you. If your friend is sharing this with you, they are likely looking for something—whether it be support, empathy, understanding, validation, or a sounding board. So instead of judging or trying to fix the situation, try active listening. As SELF previously reported, active listening is a practice whereby you make it completely clear that you’re tuned into the person you’re listening to (instead of preparing to lecture them). You can ask questions, like “Why do you think you’re doing that?” or “What does that mean for you?” You can also ask, “What do you need from me, as your friend, right now?”
Since your friend’s cheating isn’t actually about you, you’re allowed to relax into compassionate curiosity. Asking questions might help your friend think through why the affair happened, but it can give you a bit of perspective as well. Maybe knowing the circumstances will help you be more empathetic. For instance, hearing your friend say they love their partner and want to work things out might help you brainstorm solutions together. You might talk to your friend about considering an open relationship, brainstorm how they’ll tell their partner about what happened, or you might even suggest they find a therapist.
Step 4: Recognize that you might not like your friend’s responses.
Here’s the thing: Um, there is a chance that your friend might have answers that you’re not super comfortable with. Maybe you’re expecting them to show remorse, and they’re pretty celebratory. Perhaps they’re too busy justifying their behavior to realize how they’re putting their partner’s health at risk, or maybe you really dislike their partner, and you hoped cheating was the catalyst for the breakup you’ve always wanted (but your friend is pretty committed to working it out).
If hearing your friend’s responses changes how you feel about them or makes you question your friend or even your entire friendship, it’s okay. And if we’re keeping it honest, not all friendships warrant your undying love and acceptance. You might have a lot of compassion for your childhood best friend who is crying on your shoulder after cheating even if you disagree with their choice, but the frenemy in your yoga class, who always points out that your leggings are frayed and leaves any emotional texts from you on read more often than not? Well, it’s okay if you’re not willing to stick by them during this vulnerable moment.
Often, cheating is scary, stressful, and isolating. So it’s natural that your friend might seek comfort from you, AASECT-certified sex and relationship therapist Tammy Nelson, Ph.D., author of When You’re the One Who Cheats, tells SELF. While it’s lovely that your friend trusts you enough to share this information, there are lots of other reasons you might not feel equipped to handle this news. Maybe you’ve been cheated on, and hearing your friend’s story triggers you. Perhaps you’re close to your friend’s partner, and you don’t want to participate in any deception. Or maybe you love your friend, but you don’t have the energy for this drama. No matter what is causing your discomfort, don’t forget to take care of your own needs too.
Step 5: Set boundaries—especially if your friend wants you to keep this a secret.
A friend who comes to you about cheating might want support, but they’ll likely want something else too: for you to keep their secret. That’s a big ask, and you’re well within your right to set boundaries around this conversation, Dr. Nelson says, and one of those boundaries can be: “I will not keep this secret for you.”
If you can’t bear the thought of spending time with your friend’s partner while knowing about the infidelity, Dr. Torrisi has two suggestions. You can tell your friend that you’re going to back away from the friendship for a while, or you can explain that if they don’t tell their partner about the cheating after a certain amount of time, you’ll tell.
You don’t have to say this in a mean or judgmental way. Instead, you might say something like “I can’t keep this secret.” Then you can offer to help your friend think through ways to tell their partner, including plans for staying safe in case they react badly.
Step 6: If you’re going to be there for your friend, reserve judgment.
Deciding whether or not you’re willing to keep this secret is profoundly personal and depends on many things—there isn’t a “right” way for you to show up. But if you feel comfortable being the person who helps a friend work through cheating, try to keep judgment out of it as much as possible. And if you don’t think you have the time and space to support them, remember that it’s okay to communicate that clearly (and with compassion).
Even if cheating isn’t the choice you’d make, try to remember the moments when you’ve benefited from a nonjudgmental ear. Ultimately, this isn’t about you—it’s about your friend—and everyone deserves support through difficult moments.
Related:
- What Is Emotional Cheating (and Does It Count)?
- 5 Signs an Open Relationship Could Be Right for You (and 3 That It’s Probably Not)
- Why Some Couples Can Recover After Cheating and Others Can’t