Melissa Leeolou was 10 years old when she was dazzled by a production of The Nutcracker. She convinced her parents to let her try ballet lessons and knew she wanted to be a professional ballerina soon after her first lesson. Leeolou had already been diagnosed with severe psoriasis as a child and the plaques sometimes made it hard for her to even move. (There are several types of psoriasis, a chronic skin condition that causes discolored, itchy patches on your body. With plaque psoriasis, the patches, which vary in appearance depending on your skin color, can be very painful or tender, according to the Mayo Clinic.) But Leeolou pushed through her discomfort to dance.
In her early 20s, Leeolou was pursuing a career as a professional ballerina, when an injury led her to be diagnosed with psoriatic arthritis. The stiffness and pain in her joints ended her dreams of dancing, and it took her a few years to find something she was equally passionate about.
After working in medical research, Leeolou decided to become a doctor and is now in medical school. She talked to SELF about the difficult decision to change careers, how she built a support system, and her path to medicine. (This interview has been edited and condensed for clarity.)
SELF: When did you decide to become a ballerina?
M.L.: I saw The Nutcracker when I was about 10 years old—I think I had gone with a Girl Scout troop or a community group. I was so struck by the athleticism and the grace of the dancers, and I was really moved by the music. I just wanted to give it a try.
My parents reluctantly let me start lessons. I had to dance around the house for about a year before they just said, “Enough of this, you can go to ballet class now!”
When I took my first ballet class, I remember standing in front of the mirror and just feeling so happy and right at home. Ballet was athletic like any professional sport, but it was also artistic and an emotional outlet for my self-expression.
How did being diagnosed with psoriasis impact your ballet?
Before taking up ballet, I had been diagnosed with severe psoriasis when I was two or three years old. It caused significant obstacles in my life. There were mornings when the plaques on my skin were so severe that I would need to use a hot compress and ointments just so I could move.
My parents encouraged me to live fully and passionately, but I still shocked them when I took up ballet. The physical challenges that I had already endured made my passion for it seem counterintuitive. On the one hand, I was on stage with my skin fully exposed, yet at the same time, it was a place where I really felt like I could be myself, and in that way, it was very healing. Before my very first performance as a child, I asked my coach if I could hide the plaques with makeup. She looked at me, shook her head, and said, “No, you have no need to hide.”
How were you diagnosed with psoriatic arthritis?
In my early 20s, I was on the cusp of a professional ballet career. That’s when I sustained my first injury—in my ankle. Injuries are normal for ballet dancers, so at the time I wasn’t worried. But I eventually needed surgery, and month after month I still hadn’t recovered.
Over time, physicians realized that I had chronic inflammation from the lifetime of psoriasis, but it still took about another year before I was diagnosed with psoriatic arthritis. Diagnostic testing for psoriatic arthritis is really difficult: There are not direct testing measures like there are for other types of arthritis. It’s a process of ruling out other possibilities, so it took some time to get to the diagnosis.
When did you realize that you wouldn’t be able to dance professionally?
The drawn-out diagnostic process prolonged my hope that I could dance again. There wasn’t one specific day when I realized I wouldn’t be able to achieve my dream of becoming a professional ballet dancer. It took me a long time to slowly and very reluctantly explore career options outside of dance. I didn’t have one aha moment, where I said, “Oh, I know what’s next for me.” I tried all different things. I also had to learn to deal with the sadness of what had happened, and the emotional and physical pain of the new diagnosis I was facing. At times I was just focused on how to get the treatments I needed.
It can take a long time to decide to change careers, and it can take a lot of courage. It was hard to feel like this diagnosis was dictating my life.
Why did you choose to transition into medicine?
I wanted a field that would satisfy my artistic creativity and intellectual curiosities, and I found that in research and in medicine. In college I minored in bioethics, and I started volunteering with the National Psoriasis Foundation (NPF) and became increasingly involved with their advocacy efforts. Public policy and medical ethics were interesting to me from both an academic standpoint and as a patient.
After graduating, I worked in clinical research. I found that developing innovative treatments spoke to my creativity. I’m now studying medicine at Stanford, and the school’s emphasis on research means I’m still involved in that aspect too. I feel so deeply connected to people who are going through their own health challenges. I knew that I wanted to help others as best as I could and also be with them throughout their journey of being diagnosed and seeking treatments to improve their quality of life. Being a physician is really the greatest honor because you get to participate in someone else’s journey.
What are the biggest challenges with your career transition?
Changing careers is really difficult, and I have concerns even in medical school. Psoriatic arthritis can really affect your hands, and I’m worried about the ways in which I’m able to hold equipment or stand for long periods of time during surgeries. Even sitting down too long in a classroom or walking on the hospital floor for too long can trigger pain. So that is an ongoing challenge.
What advice would you give to other people with psoriatic arthritis looking to change careers?
I’ve learned that I need to be self-compassionate and flexible and have really good support systems in place. No matter where you work and no matter how outstanding you are at your job, if you have a chronic disease it’s likely that you’ll still face difficult days due to your illness, at no fault of your own. My advice broadly is to look for employee support resources. There were two main reasons I chose to study at Stanford. One is the Office of Accessible Education and the other is a medical school group called Medical Students With Disability and Chronic Illness (MSDCI). There are lots of students and professors in these groups who are also dealing with their own chronic illnesses. I’ve really appreciated the community: It’s showing me that while I will always face obstacles, there are ways to celebrate my differences.
What advice would you give someone whose psoriatic arthritis affects their work?
Psoriatic arthritis affects people differently based on so many factors, ranging from age, time of diagnosis, treatment, other variables, so it’s hard to give general advice. I talk a lot about support systems, and I think those are really valuable. Reaching out to resources like the National Psoriasis Foundation can help you think about and discuss new ways in which you can approach challenges at work, whatever they may be. My overall reflection is that being flexible with yourself can help you develop some self-compassion.