The Hazards of Being the Boss’s Favorite

There are clear advantages to being your boss’s favorite. But there are downsides, too: Your peers may resent you, and it’s not good for team morale. If you’re your manager’s pet, how can you encourage them to treat everyone more equally? How can you push back on the favoritism without seeming ungrateful or damaging your relationship?

What the Experts Say

Being the boss’s chosen one “is both fabulous and terrible” at the same time, according to Karen Dillon, author of the HBR Guide to Office Politics, among other books. The benefits are obvious: You get choice assignments, extra attention, and inside information on what’s happening with the organization. But that special treatment comes at a cost. “It can breed animosity and resentment among your peers,” which can make things very uncomfortable for you, she says.

Thomas J. DeLong, a professor of management practice at Harvard Business School and author of the book Flying Without a Net, among others, concurs. It’s often “open season on the boss’s favorite because others are jealous,” he says. “Favorites can get blindsided politically in subtle and not-so-subtle ways.” Here’s how to cope with the situation — and advice on how to encourage your boss to spread the love.

Reflect.

Being the boss’s pet may place you in a tough spot with your coworkers, but try to remember that your manager isn’t being intentionally malicious by putting you in this position, says Dillon. “It comes from a good place.” You’ve earned their trust and admiration, and it’s likely your boss doesn’t appreciate just how difficult the situation is for you — and that they may be “undermining the work environment” by unwittingly causing resentment among your colleagues. In your boss’s mind, you’re a valued and respected employee, but to your colleagues, you’re the favorite.

However, allowing yourself to be the manager’s darling is not always a smart career move. “You’re hitching your wagon to this person’s star. If they leave or get fired, you’ve lost your power base,” Dillon says. Consider, too, why your boss chose you in the first place. “The person who is a favorite knows how to stroke the manager’s ego,” says DeLong. “It’s psychological collusion. You make the boss feel good.” But some day, you could very well fall out of favor.

Be aware of optics.

When your relationship with your boss is chummy and casual, “it’s very easy not to realize how much other people see and observe,” says Dillon. Do you regularly drop into your boss’s office unannounced? Grab lunch together more often than not? Casually toss a Nerf football around the hallway? “These may seem like minor gestures, but they are so in-your-face to those not included,” she says. “They have meaning, and people read into them.” Being sensitive to the optics of the situation requires that you put a “guardrail between you and your boss,” she says.

Try to create some structural distance, adds DeLong. In the spirit of fairness, you might suggest your manager embark on a time-tracking exercise. “Say, ‘Here’s something that could be interesting. Track your time to see who you’re spending most of it with. Then consider how it looks.’” Your goal, he says, “is to get your boss to be more mindful of their patterns.” After all, he says, “Everything a leader does is a signal, and the signals need to be pure.”

Encourage your boss to spread the love.

As the favored employee, you also need to make an effort to help your boss “see the value of other people on the team,” says Dillon. “Use your status to shine a spotlight on others and give credit where it’s due.” This not only encourages your boss to spread the love, it also allows your team members to see that you’re using your platform wisely. She recommends doing this publicly and privately. For instance, you might send an email to your boss detailing the specific contributions that a colleague made to prepare for a big presentation — and CC that colleague, of course. You might also ask your boss to recognize a particular employee in the next team meeting and thank that person for all their hard work. Your objective is to inspire your boss to be “generous with credit and praise when it’s deserved.” Most importantly, don’t hoard your boss’s attention and goodwill. And don’t take advantage of your relationship.

Be direct.

It’s also worth considering talking with your boss about the situation. DeLong recommends saying something like: “We’re close and it’s affecting my relationships with others. I don’t want to be seen as your spy. I need to strategically distance myself from you.” He predicts that because of your honesty, the boss “will fall even more in love with you.” Your candor and directness are demonstrations that “you’re not focused only on your own agenda,” he says. “You’re saying: ‘At the end of the day, this is what is best for the institution.’” Dillon, however, counsels caution in broaching the subject. “You don’t want to put your boss on the defensive,” she says. Instead, she recommends navigating the situation as best as you can “with your actions and behavior.” Be constructive and positive, she adds.

Don’t gossip.

Of course, “it’s more fun to talk about other people than it is to talk about, say, systems or theory,” but gossiping with your boss is ill advised, says DeLong. “Say: ‘We have to have a conversation about what we talk about. I am honored that you share [things] with me, but it colors my relationships with my colleagues, and I don’t know what to do with the information.’” Stand firm. If your boss repeatedly grouses to you about a coworker, DeLong suggests saying in a “teasing and supportive” manner: “‘I assume you’ve told this person what you’re thinking.’”

Your objective is to gently “coach” your manager out of this behavior. And yet, try not to be too hard on your boss, says Dillon. Ask yourself: “Is my boss stepping out of bounds? Or is this one human sharing a passing thought?” It might be wise to simply listen and let your manager say their piece. You also could try “gently defending your colleague” or offering more context on the matter. Whatever you do, “don’t join in the criticism.”

Strive to be everyone’s favorite.

Perhaps the best remedy for dealing with the resentment caused by your most-favored status is to “work very hard to be a good colleague to everyone,” says Dillon. In other words, “don’t just be the boss’s pet; be everyone’s pet.” Be engaged and supportive, pay close attention to what people on your team are working on, and offer feedback and assistance when others need it. Your goal is to be well regarded by the boss — and everyone else on the team. “It is hard to resent someone who is helpful and engaged and publicly and privately supportive.”

Principles to Remember

Do

• Consider talking to your boss about the situation. Be honest about its effect on the team.
• Be aware of appearances. Try to create some distance between you and your boss.
• Work hard to win your colleagues’ favor. It’s difficult to resent someone who’s helpful and engaged.

Don’t

• Be angry with your boss. It’s likely they don’t appreciate that they’re triggering resentment among your colleagues.
• Hoard your boss’s attention and goodwill — encourage them to publicly acknowledge the value and contributions of others.
• Allow your boss to gossip to you. Gently coach them out of this behavior.

Advice in Practice

Case Study #1: Have empathy for your colleagues and look for ways to be publicly and privately supportive of them.

Alexander Lowry, Executive Director of the Career and Connection Institute at Gordon College, says that the key to dealing with the resentment caused by being the boss’s favorite is to remember the golden rule.

“Do unto others as you would have them do unto you,” he says. “Envision yourself as the person on the outside observing the preferred employee. [And ask yourself:] How can you be supportive and helpful to your colleagues while you have a shining star on your back?”

Earlier in his career, Alexander worked at a New York investment bank under a boss — we’ll call her June — who was relatively new to the organization. “She was very smart and we had a great working relationship,” says Alexander.

June was friendly to everyone, but there was no question that Alexander was her favorite. She arranged to have his desk put right in front of her office. “So whenever she came back from a big meeting, she stopped by to tell me what happened,” he recalls. “I was hired to be her deputy, but in practice I was more like a de facto co-director of the division.”

Alexander’s close relationship with June was not lost on his colleagues. One colleague in particular — we’ll call her Shelley — was incredibly jealous. “Shelley was one of the first members of the team, and she saw her upward career trajectory linked to June’s,” he says. “Shelley was clearly unnerved by the fact that it looked as though I was equally in charge of the group.”

To allay Shelley’s concerns, Alexander worked hard to prove he had her best interests at heart. For instance, he would often pull Shelley into meetings so that she could get exposure to other top managers and gain insights into organizational priorities. “And I talked up things she had done well to ensure that June recognized her for her contributions,” he says.

“I wanted to help Shelley have a chance to shine.”

Alexander also did his best to be an exceptionally good colleague to Shelley. “I would often ask her what she was working on and whether I could help,” he says.

Shelley was appreciative, and she and Alexander built a strong working relationship.

Today, the advice Alexander gives to students in this situation is to recognize that there are both career-boosting aspects but also potential pitfalls. “You need to recognize how your colleagues are feeling. You want to build strong relationships with everyone, as your network is the most important thing for you career.”

Case Study #2: Create separation and avoid criticizing your colleagues with your boss.

Chris Lee knows all too well what it’s like being the boss’s favorite. In one of his first jobs, he worked at a medical practice brokerage, where he was the most junior member of the team. His boss — we’ll call him Harold — took a special interest in Chris. He openly praised him to other colleagues and often took him to lunch.

When they went to lunch, Harold would often make disparaging remarks about other employees. “Sometimes he would complain about how a team member was doing — for instance [he’d say], ‘He made a large sale last month, so now he’s slacking,’” recalls Chris. “[It] put me in an awkward position.”

Chris reflected on his boss’s motivations for sharing the information. “I know that at times people just need get things off their chest,” he says. “I’m sure my boss wasn’t seeking my advice on how to handle staff. He just wanted to vent his frustration.”

Still, hearing his boss’s criticism of others “colored how [he] viewed” his colleagues; he knew he needed to stop the habit.

Chris started to “gently question” Harold’s assumptions in order to inject some objectivity into the conversations and force him “to take a step back” and consider the big picture. Chris never joined in the criticism.

“Sometimes that meant reiterating what my boss had said. For instance, ‘You mentioned that he brought in a lot of business last month, right?’” he says. “Or if my boss attributed a colleague’s underperformance to laziness, I might suggest that ‘maybe he’s going through a rough patch’ — without speculating or getting into it, as it’s really not my place.”

Chris was also wary of how things looked, so he also tried to create distance between him and his boss by taking more lunches with colleagues.

Chris stayed at the job for two years, and today he is a senior marketing manager at a large health system and the founder of PurposeRedeemed, a career consultancy.

Since then, he has maintained a very good relationship with Harold. “It’s difficult to build that level of trust and rapport with a manager, so I never took it for granted,” he says. “He has served as my reference for other jobs and even contracted me to work on a project.”