Mike Tyson going under, says shark who’ll fight him during Shark Week

I’m back again, puny humans, and this time, it’s personal. You landlubbers have been mocking my majestic kind for too long, and it’s time for you to get schooled. For one thing, I was not stepping on a Lego brick in this photo, so just leggo of that idea. And who is this Bill Gates who says mosquitos scare him more than sharks? It’s gonna take a little more than Deep Woods Off to chase me away, brainiac. To top it all off, you have this cringeworthy Baby Shark song you’re even turning into a TV show.  Watch your back, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo/ Shark attack, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo. 

Sorry, I sometimes bite a bit heavy on the sharkasm. You would, too, if there was a whole Shark Week devoted to your species (hooray!) and some TV channel decided to celebrate it by making a show where you fight a human boxer. (I can’t even with this idea). Yep, the Discovery Channel announced this week that some guy named Mike Tyson and I are going to duke it out in a show called Tyson vs. Jaws: Rumble on the Reef on Sunday, Aug. 9 at 9 p.m. ET/PT. 

Of course I volunteered as tribute for my species, just like I did back in 2017 when the show involved me racing some guy named Michael Phelps. Haven’t seen HIM around much lately, have you? Yeah, yeah, OK, I didn’t really eat him, but I did win that race by a whopping two seconds. Look at me. I’m the gold medalist now.

Here’s what the Discovery Channel has to say about the show: “Legendary boxer and entrepreneur Mike Tyson is taking on a new challenge … and he picked the most unlikely training partner. Iron Mike will go head to head with one of the ocean’s top apex predators in Tyson vs Jaws: Rumble on the Reef. With famed ring announcer Michael Buffer calling the shots, these two heavyweights will square off underwater, where Mike Tyson will try to score a TKO over the massive shark … all in the name of research.  And don’t worry, no sharks were harmed (or bitten) in the making of this episode.”

“Legendary.” That word, I do not think it means what you think it means. Have you seen the photo of my opponent? Pleased to eat you, sir. Are you terrified? I’m terrified. The smiling inflatable sunglasses-wearing pineapple rubber duck thing really seals it.

“I took on this challenger to overcome fears I still deal with in life,” Tyson said in a statement. “I equate this with overcoming my fear of getting back into the ring at 54 years old. I learned from this experience doing Shark Week that whatever intimidates me, I am still able to step up to the challenge of overcoming anything that would prevent me from accomplishing my life’s mission of reaching my highest potential in life and bringing me closer to God.”

I mean, if that helps you, it’s good, Mister heavyweight chomp-ian. But did you know shark ears aren’t big floppy appendages that you can gnaw on, but teeny tiny holes in our massive scary heads? We also don’t find face tattoos frightening. And we don’t need inflatable pineapple ducks or cute little snorkels to be at home underwater. Oh, look, you can smash a surfboard. How cute. I pick my teeth with surfers every day and twice on Sunday.

It’s interesting the Discovery Channel is being vague about exactly what’s going to happen. It’s not like we’re going 12 rounds of jabs and uppercuts in satin trunks and padded gloves, with Aquaman as my trainer. They’re careful to say “no sharks were harmed,” while never mentioning if any harm came to the bipedal, gill-less human. I mean, if the question comes up of who’s really going to make a splash in this bout, Iron Mike’s gonna need a bigger boat.