Last week, my best friend sent me a text asking, “How are you feeling about everything?” By “everything,” she meant the state of the world, and more specifically, the state of the pandemic. When I really started to think about it, the only answer that seemed appropriate was: “Depressed.” She felt the same.
What makes things especially hard is that I feel as though I’m living in some sort of alternate universe from so many other people. A coronavirus twilight zone. Most people I know, including many friends and family, have let their guards down when it comes to precautions like masking and avoiding indoor gatherings, even if they’re not vaccinated against COVID-19.
Not me. I’m vaccinated and still wear a mask everywhere I go. I don’t feel at ease visiting unvaccinated family or friends inside. I don’t feel comfortable getting a massage or going to the gym. I wouldn’t feel okay on a flight that was more than four hours long, especially if it meant taking my mask off to eat or drink.
I realize that other vaccinated folks may be more relaxed with precautions because of the new Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) guidelines suggesting that fully vaccinated people don’t have to wear masks in most situations. That’s their right! Still, I feel more comfortable continuing to wear a mask until we have more information about SARS-CoV-2 transmission between maskless vaccinated and unvaccinated folks. I’ve received so much pushback on this from some people, but I shouldn’t feel ashamed for doing what feels safest for me.
Thankfully, I do have a few friends who are on the same page as me when it comes to this. And I do feel solidarity in seeing others wearing a mask, both indoors and outdoors. However, when I think about America as a whole, and many of my loved ones and family members, I feel alone in my concerns.
I want to be clear about one thing: I feel deep empathy for people who have been isolated for over a year and are now yearning for social contact again without safety precautions like masks. I have many family members who have been in complete isolation throughout the course of the pandemic. It’s understandable that people would want things to “go back to normal” already. I get that. As someone who is married, having an IRL companion has been one of the main ways I’ve been able to get through this pandemic. But none of that erases the fact that I personally do not feel 100% safe during indoor, maskless social gatherings when not everyone is vaccinated—even now that I’m vaccinated.
Many of my friends and family tell me that I’m being fearful or ridiculous about sticking to masking. Numbers are down, they say. You’re vaccinated, they remind me. The risk is low. But, for me, low risk doesn’t equal no risk. And even though I may be able to recover from COVID-19 if I happen to get it, I don’t want to chance passing it on to someone in the high-risk category. I wear a mask to mitigate my own risk, but I also do it in solidarity with people who are more compromised.
As someone with generalized anxiety disorder, people sometimes write off my desire to uphold masking as anxiety. But for me, it’s just common sense. Yes, I live with a backdrop of anxiety every day. But it’s my belief that anyone who is taking this pandemic seriously would still feel a little anxious. More than half a million people have died from COVID-19 in the U.S. alone. Although cases are declining in the U.S., this virus isn’t gone, and vaccination doesn’t offer 100% protection against getting this illness. Even if you are lucky enough to have mild symptoms and “recover” from COVID-19, about a third of people in one February 2021 JAMA Network study reported still having at least one persistent symptom nine months after getting the virus. The CDC says that even people with asymptomatic infections can have what they’re describing as “post-COVID conditions,” which could present as a range of health problems. And as a registered dietitian, the thought of even temporarily losing my sense of taste or smell, a well-documented post-COVID symptom, is absolutely devastating.
I do feel somewhat safer now that I have been vaccinated. However, I don’t feel like we are anywhere near “back to normal.” And I’m done feeling bad about that. Also included on the list of things I’m officially done with: feeling awkward about wanting to continue to wear my mask both inside and outside, trying to appease others at the expense of my own comfort level, and worrying about declining indoor invitations with unvaccinated people from multiple households. If that means that my relationships have to suffer, well, so be it. I’ve tried explaining how the vaccines work and why vaccination is important to friends and family who are on the fence, and so far, it hasn’t convinced any of them to get a COVID-19 vaccine. In those cases, we can find a middle ground that we are all comfortable with, like those classic Zoom and outdoor hangouts.
One thing that has been helpful is figuring out my boundaries, and making them clear upfront. Not vaccinated? Okay. But no mask? Then no entry. Whenever someone really gets on my case for not being more comfortable, I straight up say, “Stop shaming me for having boundaries and protecting myself.” (And I included my husband’s unvaccinated status in that reasoning until he got vaccinated too.) That usually gets people to shush.
If you are one of the folks who feel more comfortable taking calculated risks, that’s your prerogative. But just realize that not everyone is there with you, and that’s their prerogative. If you are one of the folks who still feel a little on edge, I want you to know that I see you, and you are not alone. We’re in this hot mess together.