Working parents are depleted. Every single one of the dozens of working moms and dads the author has coached over these past several weeks has voiced some version of the “I’m driving on empty” feeling. And now vacation is over, school is gearing back up, and the return to in-person work is here or looming. Which leaves working parents asking: How can I face all of the changes in these coming months when I’m feeling this depleted? The author offer six techniques to try to reset and build your forward momentum.
Ever had one of those tension nightmares where you’re getting chased by bad guys and desperate to run away, but somehow your legs won’t work? It’s like running in slow motion, through a thick syrup. As the villains get closer, your tension soars. You know you need to move, but just can’t find the momentum.
As a working mom or dad staring down September and October — unbelievably, Months 18 and 19 of this pandemic — do you feel a bit the same way? Sure, you soldiered through the first year-plus of Covid-19, using every ounce of grit you had. And then you (rightfully) used these past few months to pull back at work and tune out the news, hoping to regroup, recharge, and get ready for what we all hoped would be a much easier New Normal. But now so many pandemic uncertainties still linger, and you’re still feeling the big-time hit that the past year had on you — on your energies, your confidence. And now vacation is over, school is gearing back up, the return to in-person work is here or looming, and your clients are expecting you to travel again. Which leaves you in a difficult place: How can I face all of the changes in these coming months when I’m feeling this depleted?
If that’s where your head is right now, know that you’re not alone. Every single one of the dozens of working moms and dads I’ve coached over these past several weeks has voiced some version of the “I’m driving on empty” feeling. Just like many of them, you may have tried to suppress all thoughts of the Return as you enjoyed the last few days of vacation. Or you may be sensing the tension so acutely that you’re actively considering big, structural life changes, like quitting your job or switching careers, or even toying with “escape” options, like moving across the country and living off the grid.
Whatever the case, let’s get you out from under that disempowered, ground-down feeling. Even if you are planning a big life change, you don’t want to navigate it feeling this shredded. And you don’t want to get the kids settled in school or ramp back up at work or go on job interviews when your energies are at this level — do you? While recognizing that the headspace you’re in is completely and totally normal, let’s do what we can, right here and right now, to find you some new working-parent fuel.
These six simple tools and self-hacks will help you start filling your tank. Scan over the list, and pick a few to try.
Technique #1: Round up.
The idea: To get that sense of forward momentum you’re craving, you need to look back at your own accomplishments.
What to do: Take 15 minutes, and, either in your own mind or on a piece of paper, make a list of things you’ve managed to deliver, for work and for your family, since March of 2020. Resist the urge to downplay or be sarcastic. (“I watched more Netflix and ate more carbs than I thought humanly possible” may be true, but it doesn’t belong here.) Did you manage to keep the team’s revenues up despite slow shipments from your suppliers? Jot that down. Are you the cook in your family of four? Then you prepared or sourced 6,120 individual meals for yourself and the kids — enough, literally, to feed an army.
Go broad: consider work goals, relationships, the kids’ development. And don’t expect the bullet points you come up with to look like ones on a professional CV — remember, this is just for you. If “never totally lost it in a Zoom meeting, even while my boss was being her most annoying” or “made bedtime a calm experience for the kids, even during lockdown” were major accomplishments, include them on your list. In other words, give yourself proper, adequate credit for your achievements, and your grit, and your patience, over the last year. Are there significant challenges ahead? No doubt. But once you’ve soaked in the Superhero-ness of what you’ve already managed to accomplish, you’ll feel more ready to meet them.
Technique #2: Close it out.
The idea: The human mind craves completion. We need to finish off A before we can fully focus on and do our best at B. For example, when work is divided into quarterly reporting periods, we can tell ourselves, “What’s done is done, and over with. Now, onto the next.” Apply that same approach here: close out the past — so you can free yourself up for what’s coming.
What to do: Think about your pandemic experience in phases, and assign each one a label. Your labels can be serious or flippant, basic or unique. Maybe there was the I Can’t-Believe-This-Is-Happening Period, the Uneasy Summer of 2020, the Endless Zoom-School Winter of 2020-21, and so forth. When you’ve got them in mind, or on a piece of paper, then draw a big, thick, line between them and the phase you’re entering now. Maybe you’re starting Job Search Process Autumn, or you’re thinking of these next few months as “get used to being a new dad, while back in the office” period. For better or worse, those past months of the pandemic are done and dusted — and you’re not going to carry their weight around anymore. If it helps, write the past phase-names down on paper, and then rip the sheet up and throw it in the trash, or go on a long run and tell yourself that “when I’m done with this workout, I will have officially completed Phase 3 of the pandemic, and will be transitioning into Phase 4.” Whatever works. The point is, you’re pivoting into the future, with a clean-slate feeling and fresh goals.
Technique #3: Find your “Point of Control.”
The idea: Yes, the next few months will be hectic and messy. And realistically, you’re can’t do your very best work or be a calm, centered, attentive parent when gripped with feelings of chaos. To face what’s coming at home and career-wise, you need that palpable personal sense of being “on it.”
What to do: Find your personal Point of Control. This is a single, small part of your life that you have complete authority over, that you can engage with easily and often, and that provides a disproportionate boost to your overall sense of wellbeing. It may involve a place, action, object, habit, or some combination, and it doesn’t have to be “virtuous” or bear any relation to either your kids or your job. Your point of control might be keeping the car in excellent working order, with the trunk and seating areas free of junk and debris. It might also be doing the same 5-minute exercise routine each morning; organizing your closet so that all your clothes are tidy and lined up neatly by color; making yourself a terrific cup of coffee each morning with your special espresso maker; or meditating or praying. One of my clients’ found that theirs is restoring antique furniture. The what doesn’t matter as much as the what this gives me. Amidst the go-go-go and shifting conditions of the next few months, your point of control will allow you to feel more like an in-control person, regardless of circumstances.
Technique #4: Future anchor.
The idea: If you have a positive mental picture of where you want to be as a professional, parent, and person months or years from now, the tsunami of to-do’s and stressors you encounter today won’t loom quite as large. All the work and hours you’re putting in now will feel like they’re actually leading somewhere — somewhere you’ve chosen.
What to do: Imagine it’s a year from now. The pandemic has ebbed, and you’re in a good place. What does that look like? Maybe your twins are thriving in in-person school, and you’ve happier due to a new flexibility arrangement you managed to swing at work. If that’s how you’re anchoring your future, then yes, carpool logistics and school closures will still be a strain, work demanding, and the negotiations with your boss about the new hybrid work arrangements fraught. But suddenly, they’re a means to an end. You can see through the stress and to a better, happier working-parent place.
Technique #5: Give your career some attention.
The idea: You’ve put in long hours throughout the pandemic, but it feels more like you’re processing work — getting stuff done, producing widgets — than gaining traction in your career. And for someone as committed to your field or function or success as you are, that’s depressing. It’s time to pay attention to your future, and not just your to-do list.
What to do: Find a bite-sized chunk of time each week — 15 minutes is fine — to turn your attention completely towards your career and professional advancement. That might mean looking at the LinkedIn profiles of some of the people you most admire in your industry and thinking how their career moves might inform your own next steps. Or reconnecting with a past colleague to keep your network fresh. You’ve worked so hard to “make it happen” for your team and organization throughout Covid. Now shift at least some small amount of your focus back to where you want all that work to take you.
Technique #6: Mentor another working parent.
The idea: When you share your talent, experience, and knowledge with other people, you immediately feel more generous and capable — and at this point in the pandemic, those feelings are worth their weight in gold. You don’t have a lot free time to throw at mentoring, but you can still get that pay-it-forward satisfaction and psychological boost if you do it smartly.
What to do: Find another working mom or dad a bit further back in the journey than you. Maybe there’s team member who became a parent during the pandemic, or who just joined the organization, or whose kids are about to start school. Make a time-limited offer: “Things are busy over the next few weeks, but if you ever want to spend 20 minutes together, and I can share some thoughts about how to make it happen here as a working mom or dad, I’m yours.”
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As you read over these techniques, perhaps one jumped out as a good next step — or you tried it out, and it worked, or it didn’t, and so you moved on to the next. Whatever the case, you’ve just taken a critical, proactive step forward. At the most difficult moment of your working-parent experience, you’ve taken charge and put both hands firmly on the steering wheel again. You’re finding new ways to be a committed professional, a loving parent, and yourself at the same time.