Now that more people are getting vaccinated against COVID-19 and resuming some of their pre-pandemic activities, you may have some “re-entry anxiety” about returning to your old routines. If you have bipolar disorder and created new pandemic routines to help manage your condition, then you might be worried about changing things up again.
There are actually several types of bipolar disorder, classified by their symptoms. With bipolar I disorder, you may have manic episodes, where you feel irritable or have an excess of energy, for seven days as well as depressive episodes lasting roughly two weeks, according to the National Institute of Mental Health (NIMH). Bipolar II disorder is characterized by depressive and hypomanic episodes, a less severe form of mania.
SELF spoke to people with bipolar I and II about how they’re dealing with re-entry anxiety. You might find inspiration and comfort in their stories if you’re unsettled by how quickly things are changing too. (These interviews have been edited and condensed for clarity.)
1. “I’ve been extra strict about tracking my bipolar symptoms recently.”
“I was diagnosed with bipolar II in 2016, and having a regular schedule is very important to me. Before the pandemic, a big part of my routine included socializing. I contracted COVID-19 in March 2020 and was cut off from social connections early on in the pandemic. I couldn’t even walk from my kitchen to my living room. Once I’d recovered, everything had already shut down. I feel like that isolation happened very quickly for me.
Now that I’m fully vaccinated, I’m still limiting my social interactions. I got stuck in my routine, and I got used to the quieter lifestyle and not having as many places to go to.
After being vaccinated, I thought I would jump straight back in and start doing things. I’m having to take things more slowly than I anticipated because re-entering society is exhausting. It took me around four months to adjust to a new schedule when COVID-19 started, and having to make another change is really hard. Big changes have always been a bipolar trigger for me, so I’ve been extra strict about tracking my bipolar disorder symptoms recently. I use a mood-tracking app, and I’ve been paying close attention to how I’m feeling.
I’ve been trying to keep as much of my schedule the same as I can—especially sleep. I know that I can’t control everything, but I need to focus on making sure that what can stay the same does stay the same.” —Andrea Weaver, 27
2. “Knowing that everyone will be leaving me and that I’ll be home by myself again is making me very anxious.”
“I’ve been working from home with one day in the office every week since 2018. My coworkers are my best friends, and we would coordinate going in to work on the same day so we could have lunch together or even just give each other a hug. I still had a lot of social contact with others, which is important to me. People assumed I was fine when things closed down because I already worked from home. But I’ve learned my triggers after being diagnosed with bipolar in 2013—and I know that sudden changes are a trigger.
When the stay-at-home orders came down in March 2020, my husband started working from home, as did our three sons, who are 17, 20, and 23 years old. I’ve absolutely loved having my family at home for over a year. My husband is going back to working in the office soon. My oldest son just moved out—the first child to leave—which has definitely been an adjustment. My youngest son is going back to in-person schooling, and the other one is going back to college. At the moment, my work doesn’t plan to have us back in the office until the fall.
Knowing that everyone will be leaving me and that I’ll be home by myself again is making me very anxious. I have bipolar II, and I tend to have more depressive episodes. My last depressive episode was in the winter of 2019, so I’ve been stable for a while now. I’m worried that the isolation will cause me to fall into depression and lie awake at night and think about it.
I feel like there’s a good chance that even though I will do everything I can to prevent going into a depression, it’s going to happen. What gives me hope is that summer is around the corner. I also have seasonal affective disorder (SAD) and can become depressed in the winter. My family is working on getting fully vaccinated, and we’re going to Hawaii this summer with my parents, my siblings, and their kids. As more people get vaccinated, I’m excited at the thought of things opening back up, even though it’s going to be an altered normal.” —Erin Lorensen, 43
3. “When you have bipolar disorder, having a routine is like exercising a muscle that strengthens your mental health.”
“I got my formal diagnosis of bipolar II at the beginning of 2019. The pandemic hit almost exactly a year later just as I got to the point where I was managing my condition. I had been on my medication for a year and got a part-time job to ease back into the workforce after taking a leave of absence.
When you have bipolar disorder, having a routine is like exercising a muscle that strengthens your mental health. And I didn’t realize how many routines I had that involved being around other people until I couldn’t do any of them anymore. All of a sudden, I had to stop what I was doing and find new routines.
In particular, work has always been a safe space for me, mental health-wise. I work in retail and my store closed, so I was furloughed for three months. That really impacted me. If I didn’t have to go to work, what was the point of getting out of bed? I’m lucky to have the greatest husband in the world, and he gave me purpose.
My store has been open again for a while now, and as a manager, it’s my job to make sure people who come in are wearing masks. Even though the CDC has recently issued guidelines saying that people who are fully vaccinated don’t need to wear masks inside, we won’t be lifting restrictions anytime soon.
I’ve worked in retail for almost 10 years, so I’ve learned to put on a cool and collected face. I have the same confrontation about masks two times a week or so, and it never gets any easier. I’m aware that COVID-19 protocols could affect the health and well-being of my associates and me.
The pandemic put some added pressure on me to manage my mental illness and appear like I’m ‘okay’ at work. I’m doing pretty well. I still have my bad days, but I have a very supportive husband, and my family has been amazing. I feel like if this was a test, I would have passed.” —Emily Fuller, 30
4. “I’m not afraid; I’m cautious.”
“During 2020, in addition to coping with the pandemic, I was processing grief. I still am. My father died in December 2019, and in May 2020, my sister Valerie died suddenly of a stroke. She was one of the best people at helping me manage my bipolar disorder. She could always tell if my speech was faster or slower than normal, which are signs that I may have a manic or depressive episode. During the past year, I also had a friend pass away from COVID-19.
Throughout COVID-19, I have been one of those people who mostly stayed at home. I go to my mom’s house, and every now and then I go to the market or the pharmacy. I have adult daughters who do the shopping for me. In addition to looking after my mother, I have been homeschooling my seven-year-old niece. I’ve had both of my vaccine shots now, but I’m not really out there yet. I’m not afraid; I’m cautious.
Things were really gearing up for me professionally when COVID-19 shut everything down. I was diagnosed with bipolar I in 1980 and wrote a memoir called Defying the Verdict: My Life With Bipolar to help other people understand and come to terms with living with bipolar. I am now a mental health advocate and keynote speaker, and several of my big events were canceled, including my first paid talk. But I believe that God controls everything and it just wasn’t the right time. And as we move into the post-pandemic, I believe people really need the kind of experience in mental health advocacy that I have to offer. Through my work with the National Alliance of Mental Illness for Maryland, I’ve seen an increase in the number of people who want help with their mental health since the pandemic started.
I’m still masking up. I only recently went to a restaurant for the first time in a year, and that was wonderful. I’m looking forward to being able to talk to more people about mental health when this is over.” —Charita Cole Brown, 61
5. “I really just want to go to a restaurant and sip mai tais, but I’m trying to take baby steps.”
“I have anxiety in addition to having bipolar II and am prone to manic episodes. The first few months of the pandemic and into summer 2020 were heavy. The uncertainty about the virus was compounded by my anxiety and racing thoughts, which can become overwhelming. On top of the pandemic, I’m African-American, so the sudden focus on racial injustice after the murder of George Floyd added to the intensity of my anxiety. I was on edge and I struggled to sleep. I was constantly waking up and wondering, What’s next?
I still feel uncertain about what’s next even now that everything is opening up. It feels too sudden. With more time and more people getting vaccinated, I would feel like it’s safe to go out. I can only control what I do, but in this case, what other people do could affect me. Even though I’m fully vaccinated, I’m anxious that I might still catch COVID-19 or get somebody sick, or that somebody I know will get sick.
I’ve been trying to take baby steps to get back out there. I started doing my side hustle, a grocery delivery service. I hadn’t done that in a while, so I started doing it again to get more comfortable being around people and to make a little extra cash. Doing that made me feel like I could handle going to church. I was only going to sit inside my church for an hour or so, but when my husband and I went, we were sitting among 300 or 400 people. I kind of freaked out. I don’t know when I’ll be able to go back—maybe in a month.
I’m going to a wedding in August, so that trip is my next step. I really just want to go to a restaurant and sip mai tais, but I’m trying to take baby steps. I feel like, Let’s just stick a little baby toe in the swimming pool to check the water’s warmth before we dive all the way in.” —Morgane F., 31
Related:
- 5 Moms With Bipolar Disorder Discuss How They’re Getting Through the Pandemic
- Here’s How the Pandemic Is Affecting My Bipolar Disorder
- 6 Ways to Manage Bipolar Disorder Triggers During COVID-19